Many things have prompted me to write what I am about to write…One being a post of a certain college friend on why she is single (the post was horrifying on several levels, it pissed me off,), another is a dialogue I’ve been having with a friend, another is the blog post John Mayer put up about his moment of clarity but another one is this song called “About Me” from the album “Exodus” by Utada. In the song, she saying, to what I assume is a lover, that she is in fact an imperfect and that she has the need to express that before they go any further.
Here we go:
I care a lot, probably more than I should. I feel I haven’t made an enough mistakes yet. I feel I’ve made so many that it will be impossible to recover. I’m a little chubby but I am working on it. I love acting, actors, directing, directors, and creative people of kind. I HATE being the third wheel. Women, in good and bad ways, generally drive me crazy. I feel older than I am. I am 23 and feel like I’m 16. I’ve had limited sexual experience with women and am a technical virgin and it’s killing me. I’ve lied about not being a virgin since I was 17. I am very shy. I talk a lot to cover up my lack of confidence. I think my voice is too high. I am sensitive. Probably more than most guys. It shows. I have never been in a serious relationship. I went all through high school without dating. The one girl I ever approached made me feel like absolute shit. So I never dated for fear. I often confuse admiration for amorous feelings. I am afraid of the masculine cause I don’t seem to fit it. Sometimes I don’t understand the masculine and fake as though I do. I make ingenuous comments to be apart of the group. I am sometimes effeminate. I like fashion. I would dress better if I knew how and made more money. I like watching project runway (although I probably will stop because it’s moving to lifetime, I mean the following statement with all seriousness, I’m a dude and refuse to watch lifetime)… it’s entertaining and I think the level creativity to make fashion is incredible and I have intense respect for those who do it. I like musicals. I want to direct them. Listen and research musicals for fun. The previous leads people to believe that I am gay. This makes me uncomfortable on several levels. This has lead me to believe in the past that I am gay. After being fired from a show that meant the world to me a teacher told me that a probable cause of my trouble with the role was because I had issues with my sexual orientation, he told me that I give off no sexual vibe and that is weird. Which after further analysis of that statement makes me wonder how is “sexual vibe” analyzed. Every girl I know describes me as a teddy bear. Endearing, yes but annoying cause I am a teddy bear with a dick. I know that sounds crude but true. I subdue my sexual side cause don’t want to make any girl uncomfortable because I love and respect them so much. But if being gay was going to give me some “vibe” and make me better actor… I find the human body male and female beautiful and interesting and maybe the deep feelings of admiration towards certain men in my life were more than that… so I went for it. I came out called friends out of town and told them this. Some were really supportive, some said, “Oh we knew” .I couldn’t help but to feel it was wrong. When they said we knew because how the hell could you know something that I didn’t even know or was sure of. So I went for it. I found myself in a lot of lonely places with a lot of lonely people. Never ever feeling truly comfortable or connected. I was getting the attention I wasn’t getting from women that seemed to come naturally to my other guys. At first it was nice, then it started to mean absolutely nothing which because a point of shame and frustration. I wasn’t getting the gratification that I wanted. In my mind while with all these lonely men I wasn’t there I was some place else, trying not to think of what was going on. I want to be in the same room with whomever I’m with not in completely different zip code. This is not the path I should be on so I said to myself you actually gotta start something with a guy that means something to you and it did. At first I thought this is it and I am going to be ok I’ve found something good but soon after those same feelings of taking myself out of the picture came I realized that I had a made a big mistake and being gay is not for me. I found myself saying this would be so much better with a girl. So I recanted my proclamation and have been stuck in social limbo ever since. Because I took the big brave step of coming out and now I feel differently, I feel like damaged goods. Who will take me seriously? When will people stop talking to me with that placating tone of disbelief and arrogance as if to say, “Oh silly Terrence, what an odd, confused, piece of work you are”, because I took back what I said. Who will love me? Who CAN love me? Men are supposed to be the emotionally neat ones and women are supposed to be the messy ones. It seems like if a woman has been with another woman it’s forgivable but if a man goes out to explore what seems like a very real possibility you get the scarlet “H”. Because I acted on something that most people feel at some points in their lives, I feel damned. I do not want to be apart of someone’s life and them not know all of me even the dark scary parts cause I don’t want it to come up 10-15 years later and it be an issue. This is who I was and this who I am. How does one breach that conversation with a girlfriend? “Hey, I came out, messed around with a bunch people, and then recanted.” Who can really love a guy with so much baggage? When I go out I try to overcome my fear of having my balls cut off by the thing I want most. I buy pretty girls drinks in hopes they will offer to dance with me. I try to talk and end up staying silent. I give off no “vibe” because I am trying hard to give some “vibe”. I afraid of being too forward and becoming disrespectful because that seems to be a theme in my life in non-sexual relationships and I can’t imagine adding sex into the equation. I am afraid of being too much of what I am and destroying what I do have going on. I have a big heart and I would do just about anything thing for those I care about. I value, above all, the time that has been given to me from others. I want to fully exploit my youth. Sow my oats as it were. Eventualy I want to be married although I am not ready for it. I would love to be a father at 30. I want kids more than anything. I would be such a proud and attentive father and husband. I think I could be a good for someone and someone could be good for me. I have wept for the children (I sometime feel) I’ll never have because of the previously stated. I’m working on myself and I want to be ready for my first. I want my experience to mean something to the one I first give myself to. I sound like a girl but I don’t care, that’s the way I feel.
A lot times I write from a place. “If I disclose and I am open it will make better at the thing I love” but fuck all of that. Fuck being an actor. I want to be a better person. That is always first and foremost. That is why I am an actor. I want to really be honest as I can even if it hurts others or me. Cause not being honest has gotten me nowhere. I’m sick of being scared shitless of my own insecurities and the insecurities of others. If you feel differently about me after reading this…good cause your getting the real me. Whether it’s good or bad I have to tell you about me. I want to be me and make no apologies for it. I’m not quite there yet but I will get there. I am saying this so that I might gain some confidence. Maybe this is too personal, maybe you would not have done this, maybe this is doing more harm than good but I gotta tell you about me.
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